After all the things that happen in a day, night eventually falls and the voice I struggle to shut up for so many hours finally makes itself at home. When my room goes dark and my phone goes down, the carousel of thoughts springs to life.
Do I embrace the lights or run away?
Lonely doves are the thoughts that gather ‘round.
Some obsess about what I’m going to be doing tomorrow, while others make me ruminate about what could have been.
My mind at night
Needless to say, falling asleep is rather difficult when your mind has just unlocked the gates for the park’s grand opening.
The crowd storms in without hesitation.
One of the stands already has a queue too long to be eyed, and it seems to be the “Scenarios about the perfect life”.
“We’ll soon be running out of popcorn on this one”, says the man in charge to his lovely madam.
“Take it easy, people, there’s enough for everyone!”
Right across, there’s stand number two, “Unfinished conversations”, where things seem to have gotten a little heated for Charlotte:
“If you wanted to, you would! There’s no reasonable excuse for what you have done, and to do it so cowardly too! Ugh, I’m done with you and your lies. I wish you a happy life, just like you wish for it to be. With or without me.”
A young girl picks up the fluffy sheep prize that Charlotte dropped when she stormed off.
Bewildered and with innocent eyes, she starts chasing after her.
“The past” has a different allure to it.
It’s the park’s famous Ferris wheel, which is rumoured to have been built by a fairy and is the main attraction the park was built around.
It is also commonly believed that it can take people back in time and then back into the present.
The Ferris Wheel
Charlotte wakes up in one of the cabins at the top. Wearied from the argument, she wipes her dried-out tears.
“Shouldn’t I have been over it by now? I’ve moved on, but I haven’t forgotten a single thing. Lucky are the people who experience trauma and have their consciousness black it all out”, she says to herself, still a bit sleepy.
“Things ended, and what was once a life committed to partnership got severed in half. It’s not my business what others do with their lives. Why do I remember every single person I have met? Why do I still think about them sometimes? Why does my mind have to carry so much luggage?”
She pauses to catch her breath.
“My biggest fear has always been losing my memory, so I guess I was deemed strong enough to get exactly what I wanted. Now I’ve got to learn to live with it. Like the Joker lives with his chaotic nature and Anna Marie Rogue has to live with the memories of those she touches.”
Anna Marie Rogue
“I wish all the people in my past the best. Thank you for teaching me all the lessons that you’ve taught me. Our memories will stay with me, safe and sound. I share no hard feelings.”
Charlotte jumps, just like you would jump if you saw a spider, when she gets the sudden realization there was someone next to her.
But she quickly calms down when she sees the little girl.
“I didn’t mean to scare you”, the little girl’s voice reassured.
“No, no, how could you? I’m sorry, I thought I was alone. I don’t even know how long I’ve been here. Did I say all of that out loud? I didn’t mean t-”
“It’s okay”, she kindly smiles. “You know, remembering people is not a bad thing. It would be worrying if you didn’t. Would you rather forget someone who meant something to you? What kind of a person would that make you?”
The girl then rests her head on Charlotte’s lap and starts pointing at the sky.
“Aren’t they lovely?”
Charlotte follows the big brown eyes.
“The stars were here before us and they will be here long after we’re gone too. I remember how bright they were the first night I got here; they looked just as they do now. I wanted to capture the moment and get closer to them, and now everyone else can get closer to them too.”
“Would you like to know a secret?” asked the caramel eyes impossible to turn down.
“The wheel carefully picks who stops at the top. And it also carefully picks which cabin you get into. You see, nothing is left to chance. No matter how many times you come back here and reignite your memories, they will always remain just that. Memories. It’s okay to look back at your past because, without the past, none of us would be who we are today. Just. Don’t. Stare.”
“What if the past has made me scared to love again? What if — what if I keep running from something I want so badly? What if I’m doing all the wrong things?”
“You will know exactly how to do something the moment you do it, and not a moment before. I give you my word.”
Charlotte breaks her gaze and looks away into the sky, contemplating.
The wheel soon starts moving again, but when she looks down the only thing standing in her lap is the fluffy sheep.
Here, have this umbrella for a rainy day. If you would like to support me, please share my story with your friends and loved ones.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
|White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism
|Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box
|The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer
|What We Talk About When We Talk About Men
Photo credit: Alexey Elfimov on Unsplash